The Intermission

I once broke someone’s heart. And when I think about it — even now, five years and one marriage later — I feel really, really bad about it.

I know that sounds trite (like saying “gosh, I feel really bad about that!”) but I’m not sure how else to say it. I feel bad in this deep, aching sort of way. Like there’s a problem I wish I could fix, but I know I can’t.

My personality type doesn’t allow for a lot of moaning over past failures, so it’s not like I feel this way often. I can look back over my life and see dozens and dozens of small failures, mistakes, and poor choices, but I generally don’t feel much emotion over them. Instead, I learn from them. But breaking up with Anne is one of the few things that I look back on and still feel awful about.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I feel so bad for two reasons:

• When I broke up with her, it was a truly selfish act. It’s not like one of those breakups where both people can look back and feel okay about what happened, learn a little bit, and move on. It was one of those breakups where one person (me) loses the will to go on, and calls it quits on the other person.
• I’m pretty sure she still feels bad about it. I haven’t had any contact with her in years; but it’s safe to say that I know her pretty well. I’m guessing she still hates me. I’m guessing she blames me for ruining any plans for her future that she made when we were together. I’m guessing she’s written or drawn stories that involve me as the villain.

When I start thinking about this too much, and I feel bad about myself, my brain starts this justification song and dance to make me feel better. Rationalizing thoughts start marching through my mind…

What makes her happiness more important than yours? You did what you had to do.

If she still blames you, it’s because she’s crazy. She should be over it by now.

It’s better to break up with someone than to go on pretending that you love them.

Maybe you said things you shouldn’t have, but you were young and stupid. She can’t hold that against you.

…and so on. But then a funny thing happens. Instead of feeling any better, I just feel worse. I don’t want to be one of those people who rationalizes himself into feeling better.

We all know people who explain away the bad things they’ve done.
“I was pressured into it… I didn’t really have a choice… I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Some of these people are still trying to convince themselves that they’re innocent, years after the fact. Some of them have actually come to believe it’s true. Either way, it’s just a form of self-delusion.

I made mistakes. I hurt someone. I need to live with that as honestly and directly as possible. For me, that means feeling bad when I think about what I’ve done and accepting that that’s not going to change.

But let me be clear on two points. First, I don’t regret breaking up with her. I don’t think it was morally wrong. It was a decision I made, and there’s no telling if either of us would be any more or less happy if I had decided differently.

Second, as I said earlier, my personality type doesn’t lend itself to a lot of moaning over the past. So, for me, accepting that I feel bad about this and probably always will is the right thing to do. But I know there are some people who are prone to feel bad about all their mistakes, to live in regret. That’s a whole different problem, and I certainly don’t recommend that those people embrace their feelings of regret any more than they already have.

Epilogue
I know this post doesn’t fit at all with my recent string of tech-focused writings. If you find yourself clueless as to what on earth this blog is about, then all I can say is “me too.” For a loose technology connection, maybe my interest in telling a personal story comes from the much-anticipated return of Fray!

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 2nd, 2007 at 10:25 pm and is filed under personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.